Silent Screams, Creative Blocks and Strange Paradoxes

Have you ever had that nightmare where you scream but no sound comes out of your mouth?

I've been creatively blocked all week.  It's a lot like screaming without making a sound.  And it's every creative's nightmare.  I've written 4 blog posts which normally doesn't characterize a block, except every one of them was sub-par.  Didn't express what I really wanted to say.  They all meandered off topic and ended up whimpering quietly into nothingness.  I couldn't share them. Hell, I had no desire to even go back and edit them.

Truthfully?  I almost didn't have the guts to share this with you.  

I'm worried it falls under TMI.  Because online, especially in business it's all about framing yourself in a way that's polished and perfect.  And this gets personal.  I was worried by writing this I wasn't providing you with anything of value and you'd all click "unsubscribe".  Because I don't have some magic formula that saves the day buried at the end of this post - not even if you pay me $99.

But I promised a blog that tackled, "...this entrepreneurial journey one tangled mess and hard-won triumph at a time."  And this week embodied all things messy.  So this is me, putting on a pot of tea (or let's face it after this week pouring us both a stiff drink) and spilling my guts.  And if I happen to have cultivated a glossy image of perfect professionalism online (not sure that's true).  I'm now taking my biggest, shiniest, sharpest scissors to that and carving you a much more flawed but human picture.

At first, I thought it was some kind of weird post-high

After reaching best-seller status with my book.  Discovered that grabbing that f*cking brass ring was exhilarating for about 1/2 a minute.  And then life moves on...(I realize this makes me sound ungrateful - I'm not.  I am infinitely grateful for the support of everyone who helped to make my book a success).  But it leaves you wondering, well, what's next?  What's next for my writing?  What's next for my business?  What's next for my creativity?

Then, I thought it was because I wanted to revamp my business.  

Offer something fresh, creative and exciting.  But I have no idea what that will LOOK like... (If you have ideas for me, something you need and can't find anywhere else I'd love to hear them.)  I have definite ideas of what it won't look like.  I don't want to be another voice in the crowd.  Repeating the same tired thing.  Offering the same boring advice you'll find everywhere else.  But beyond that....

And both of these things have me feeling a little lost.  A little directionless.  It's a very uncomfortable, unpleasant feeling.  As if your life doesn't quite fit properly anymore.  

I want to start walking and see where it takes me.  See what I notice.  See what bubbles up inside my brain.  Except it's been hovering around zero and raining for days.  If my life were a novel you'd call that pathetic fallacy.

The more I thought about it the more it felt deeper.  

There was an elephant in the room.  And I couldn't even acknowledge it to myself.  So, instead, I'll tell a bunch of people on the internet - welcome the 21st century.

I couldn't find my voice this week because in other parts of my life (read personal life) my voice has been drained from me.  And that powerlessness has left me feeling...silent.

I'm not used to this.  I run my own business.  I bust my ass every day to figure things out.  To learn what I need to know.  To network, to grow, to serve my clients, to do all the 8732 tiny daily tasks it takes just to keep your head above water when you own your own business.  When you have to bootstrap everything.  When you eke out time from all your other responsibilities.  When no one else has got your back.  I know you get it.

But to be pushed and cajoled and manipulated into decisions I don't agree with.  Despite my objections.  It's like shouting without the words coming out.  Allowing someone to stamp out my voice in my personal life?  Has left everything I wanted to write about strangled in my throat.

And all I can seem to coherently write about is this strange mix of highs and lows that create a life.  The paradox of being a boss and also feeling powerless.  Of writing my truth and feeling more and more silent.

Life is full of opposing truths that need to find a way to coexist in our brains.  Sometimes you make peace with it and sometimes...something's gotta give.